New Year, Same You – And That’s Okay

Have you ever made a New Year’s resolution (with the best of intentions, nonetheless) only to find yourself feeling guilty and disappointed for breaking the resolution before the calendar hits January 5^th? Yeah… me too. In fact, every year I used to tell myself, this is the year. I’m going to drink more water, exercise more, learn to be punctual and on time, and maybe, just maybe, finally get around to decluttering the house. Ha! Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? These resolutions sound great on January 1^st, but then life happens. Between grad school, internship hours, parenting, marriage, and trying to remember the last time that I showered, those “New Year, New Me” goals usually die like the shriveled-up vegetables in my fridge’s  ‘good intention” drawer. But, honestly? I am learning that that’s okay.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I don’t need a new me. I just need self-grace and a slightly more mental-health-detoxed version of myself. I need a chance to clear out the emotional clutter that’s been piling up like the laundry on the guest bed. There’s so much pressure this time of year to reinvent ourselves – new body, new look, new habits, new routine, new everything. But, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and set goals that feel nearly unattainable? Maybe we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses? But here’s the thing – Mrs. Jones is probably struggling just as the rest of us – she just hides it well. Trying to overhaul your entire life overnight is like deciding to run a marathon when you’ve only just found your old sneakers. Research shows that big, sudden lifestyle changes rarely last. Real change actually happens through small, consistent shifts – the kind that fit into real life, not a Pinterest-perfect version of it (Wood & Runger, 2021). So, instead of trying to chase perfection this year, I propose that we focus on something far more realistic: maintenance.

Just as we often help our clients with this very thing, our own emotional and mental spaces can become just as cluttered as our closets. Stress, guilt, comparison, and unfinished goals pile up until there’s no room left for joy or rest (sweet, sweet rest). It’s time we practice what we preach and make a little mental space for ourselves – not by becoming someone new, but by caring for the person we already are. If grad school has taught me anything (besides how to write a 20-page paper in APA format), it’s the importance of self-care, preventing vicarious trauma, and recognizing burnout. What they don’t always tell you is that you’ll probably learn the importance of those lessons the hard way – somewhere between your third paper of the week and your child’s surprise school project due tomorrow. As counselors, we learn how to hold space for others, but that space has to come from somewhere. And when we don’t replenish it, emotional fatigue and burnout can set in fast. I’ve learned – although through trial and error – that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Or, as it often feels, you can’t effectively counsel someone when your own brain feels like a browser with 27 tabs open and three of them are playing music you can’t find. True story.

Vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue are very real – but thankfully, so is compassion for ourselves. A mental health detox doesn’t require a silent retreat at a swanky, secluded lodge (actually… eh, never mind) or a suddenly becoming someone you don’t recognize – like one of those people who genuinely enjoy waking up before 5 a.m. each morning (no judgement here; I just have questions). Research shows that small, realistic practices like brief mindfulness and self-compassion do far more for our mental health than dramatic life overhauls ever could (Lindsay et al., 2019; Neff & Germer, 2018). This might look like taking two minutes to breathe between tasks (or hiding in the bathroom for a moment of peace), doing a quick “mental inbox” check to unsubscribe from unhelpful thoughts and unrealistic expectations, or practicing boundaries by saying “no” (or my personal favorite, “not right now”) to protect your emotional energy. Even noticing tiny moments of joy – your first sip of coffee (or wine… again, no judgement), a quiet moment to yourself before the kids, spouse, or pets wake up, or a much-needed laugh with a good friend – can help pull your brain out of survival mode and back into balance. And when comparison or self-criticism starts to creep in (because it always does), choosing compassion over criticism turns out to be far more effective than beating yourself up and calling it ”motivation.” Ask me how I know. Talk to yourself like you would a close friend who’s doing their best – because you are.

So if, by day five of the new year, you find yourself munching on a package of Oreos instead carrots, chasing a naked, giggling toddler down the hallway because wearing underwear has suddenly become optional, instead of doing an actual exercise routine, or your freshly new and pretty planner has coffee cup (or wine) stains and is being used as a sketch pad for said toddler, please don’t beat yourself up. You don’t need a “new you.” You just need a little space to breathe, reflect, and channel your inner Elsa by letting go of what’s crowding your mind. Maybe this year’s goal isn’t to completely transform yourself, but to make peace with yourself. Maybe it’s giving yourself permission to rest, to laugh, and to remember that growth isn’t always about doing more – it’s about doing what matters most to you.

I don’t know about you, but for me, that means focusing more on my family, faith, life, and mental health – definitely not perfection. A little more self-grace, a little more self-compassion, and maybe (just maybe) remembering where I left my cell phone. That’s a resolution I can actually keep.

References

Lindsay, E. K., Young, S., Smyth, J. M., Brown, K. W., & Creswell, J. D. (2019). Mindfulness training reduces loneliness and increases social contact in a randomized controlled trial. PNAS, 116(9), 3488–3493.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.

Wood, W., & Rünger, D. (2021). Psychology of habit. Annual Review of Psychology, 72, 289–314.