Holiday Family Dynamics

The holidays are here and it's time for food, family and fun....well, at least for some of us anyway. The holidays are meant to bring families together for a time of celebration and making memories. But when there are challenging family dynamics it's more like a season of reopening old wounds, resurfacing unresolved conflicts and an aura of tension. And that sounds like a grim way to spend the holiday season.  

Families can be small, big, blended, non-blood related, nuclear, extended, single parents, same sex parents, functional or even dysfunctional. It’s the interactions between these family members that are at the core of the family dynamic. Family dynamics refer to the behavioral and relational patterns between family members. These patterns include how the family interacts with one another, the roles that each member takes on within the family, how each person communicates, makes decisions, shows affection, handles conflict, and the emotional bond and connections within the family.  

A healthy family dynamic includes individuals who respect each other’s boundaries, provide each other space for open and respectful communication, provide each other emotional support and comfort. Healthy families are there to celebrate the highs and lows of life with love, support and respect. Of course there are disagreements and misunderstandings between even the healthiest of families but they typically can be resolved on their own or with some minimal form of constructive communication (Reid, 2024) 

And then there are the unhealthy family dynamics. Like having that uncle who's been battling substance use and uses vulgar language, or that rude sibling who is extremely annoying, or the overbearing aunt who thinks she’s better than everyone, the jealous cousin or a controlling parent who doesn’t understand that you are your own person, but these are the family dynamics that can make holidays harder to handle. Sometimes these individuals and their characteristics can turn into a running family joke but when these harmful patterns or traits arise, it can make family interactions a lasting source of frustration and can have lasting effects on your health and well being. 

Dealing with these harmful family dynamics can make you hesitant to reach out to family members when you are in need. You may begin to experience anxiety surrounding family or holiday events, you may suffer from lack of emotional support during hard times, and develop trouble sleeping, eating or focusing on present tasks. Research suggests that poor relationships with family members can also contribute to depressive symptoms (Reid, 2024)  

To minimize these stressors you should learn to identify the causes of family tensions and take the necessary steps to create interactions that are as close to peaceful as possible. Sometimes cutting ties with specific family members is not an option but there are other ways that can help repair family bonds and improve family relationships. If you can examine why particular relationships are rocky to begin with, that can be a huge help. Some issues are deeper than just individual traits, there are financial disputes, caregiving responsibilities, negative traits from extended family members, political or religious differences, or just unresolved family issues.  

While no family is perfect, there are ways to help deal with harmful family dynamics during the holidays. First thing is to learn to manage your own stress. Control the controllable! Maybe you need to take a walk, meditate or pray to prepare yourself for a holiday event. Set clear boundaries for family members, if there is a topic that you wish to not discuss during the holidays make that clear. Utilize conflict resolution skills when dealing with family drama, prioritize resolution over winning an argument (Reid, 2024). Limit your expectations of others and practice acceptance of the individual or their toxic traits. When in doubt consult a professional. Individual or family counseling can help with feelings of anxiety, depression or family relationships.  

This is not the season to be walking on eggshells or wearing your resting grinch face……The holidays can bring about its own stress but toxic family members do not have to disrupt your peace.  

References 

Reid, S. (August, 2024). Dealing with Difficult Family Relationships. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships