Getting Together: Boundaries at the Holidays

The holiday season can be filled with excitement, activity, and connection. There is a focus on bringing people together during this time of year, but what happens if things don’t look ‘picture perfect’ when everyone gets together?

Holiday gatherings present unique dilemmas - who is hosting, who is bringing what, who got into a fight last year, what topics of conversation do we avoid? We might also feel the pressure to make things go perfectly, and say ‘yes’ to everyone. 

If you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed by these pressures or others, it might be a sign that a boundary is needed. Boundaries are a mental health term that we’ve seen popularized in recent years. While they can sound mysterious -  a boundary is really determining, and enforcing, what we are willing and not willing to accept in our relationships. 

Boundaries fall into six categories that might provide insight into their role in our lives. Below are the six types of boundaries, in addition to what a boundary setting statement might look like. 

1. Intellectual: thoughts or ideas, awareness around our communication, respect for the opinions of others.

   1. I appreciate your input and will consider this perspective. For now, I prefer to think of things my own way.

   2. I’d like to have this conversation with you, but I need to finish speaking before you respond.

   3. I’m not in the space to be able to have this conversation constructively. Let's plan to revisit it after I’ve had some time to think. 

2. Physical: protecting physical space, communicating needs around touch.

   1. I’m not comfortable with hugs. A high five is good with me.

   2. It’s okay if my child doesn’t want to hug or kiss you. They have the right to say no, and that doesn’t change your relationship with them.

3. Sexual: mutual understanding and communication about desires and limitations.

   1. It’s important to me to talk about how we can respect each other's wants and limitations. 

   2. While I acknowledge that’s something you like, it makes me uncomfortable and I will not participate. 

4. Emotional: adaptive boundaries that help navigate what to share with others, can be crossed when others invalidate how you are feeling.

   1. I feel hurt when you criticize my choices and feelings. I’d appreciate it if you refrain from doing so. 

   2. I appreciate your concern, but I can handle this on my own.

   3. I feel uncomfortable seeing pictures of myself on social media, can you please keep those photos private.

5. Time: how someone chooses to prioritize their time

   1. I’m feeling emotionally drained right now, and need some time to recharge.

   2. I need to focus on this task right now. Let’s talk later.

   3. I appreciate being invited, but need to decline. I have other commitments. 

6. Material: tangible possessions, setting limitations on with who and how you will share assets

   1. I can’t lend you money right now. I hope you understand. 

   2. I appreciate your interest, but we can’t accept any more guests. 

Boundaries can focus on what we’re not willing to accept, but it's equally as important to identify times to be flexible. Rigid boundaries are those that can go too far, and end up preventing the opportunity for a constructive conversation. Your boundaries might be rigid if you avoid situations, have difficulty asking for help, need control, or have difficulty trusting others. On the other end of the spectrum, porous boundaries look like people-pleasing tendencies, passivity, fear of rejection if you say no, and being uncertain of your own needs.

Healthy boundaries are in the middle. These look like sharing information intentionally, being assertive but still considering other viewpoints, maintaining flexibility, and saying no while accepting when others say no.

Finding a balance in the qualities of our boundaries may be a process of trial and error. To use metaphor: rigid boundaries are like a brick wall, porous boundaries are a broken door, and healthy boundaries are a gate.

Boundaries can also be things we set with ourselves, not just others. An example might be, “I can’t offer to participate in the bake sale this year, even if I’m asked” or “this can’t be a priority for me right now.” Implementing more boundaries in our lives around the holidays may seem intimidating, but boundaries are a gift for you and others. To start setting boundaries you can acknowledge what the other person is saying or doing, explain your point of view, and offer a solution that meets both of your needs (if there is one). 

Holiday cheer is not solely dependent on any one individual, but rather it is a group of people coming together to practice gratitude. There is no clear guidebook on how to navigate every holiday dilemma, but you can take confidence in your healthy boundaries to help guide you through. And remember, “My needs matter this season.”

Resources:

Nash, J. (2018, January 5). How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ 

Tawwab, N. (n.d.). Understanding the Six Types of Boundaries. PESI. https://www.pesi.com/blogs/understanding-the-six-types-of-boundaries/?srsltid=AfmBOoomSBQYSzwnHWhMmJQUGOU6w4sWib7z3IghJGn7_NmfTnv1F_iD